"it may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime..." 
--khaled hosseini (the kite runner)  

 

think of how subtle the moments that pivoted you towards your present reality were, or think about how absolutely significant they seemed. think about yesterday, today, tomorrow and right now, and how much potential exists in each present moment. 

i feel retrospective, prospective, and like I have a realistic perspective on my present reality, all at once. 

i know my audience. i know, at least partially, who reads this.. and it just wouldn't seem relevant to tell all of you some of what's happening in my life. although i'd like to.. the consequence of doing so is out of my control, so that's my explanation for the prolonged silence and the partial continuation of silence.
i'll tell you that
summer is my favorite season, even though my car burnt my legs today with the intensity of a curling iron. (exaggeration)

each time i teach yoga or practice yoga i get reaffirmed that yes, this is what i want. not just what i want, need- the absence is uncomfortably noticeable. it's so much more than most realize, after a good session your fingertips tingle, you're refreshed and filled with this vigor and joy- flying high, feeling alive.
because i value it, when i teach it i feel as if i'm sharing a valuable gift.
i'm getting such a rewarding response from my students :)

i'm growing (not in stature :) ), but as a grounded individual. forming, thinking, talking, experiencing.. my vocabulary is getting larger! i have this word obsession. i had the biggest crush on my English teacher last semester, could listen to him talk allll day, not a care concerning his age, stature, or personality.. just a deep admiration for his diction and vocabulary.

i'm quite happy, sincerely. even right now, thinking about my set up- my home, work, this city, the outdoors, my travels, my family and my friends, music, what i'm going to create in this world, i'm flooded with gratitude. i have it damn good :)

the only sadness i can pinpoint having gotten to me lately is noticing this trail of hurt i'm leaving, in certain individuals, that i care about. and i feel helpless to fix it.
it's heart breaking for me. i wanted to help, uplift, be like a lighthouse (hence the blog title and becoming a yoga instructor) but somehow, sometimes, i do the opposite- good intentions turning on me. i don't want to be pretentious, saying i have much leverage to hurt to begin with.. but i still feel rotten, for anyone i couldn't be there for. maybe it's best to disappear instead of linger, even though I've always been a fan of maintaining friendships, i suppose sometimes that has gotten me into trouble.
i feel inadequate some days.

but that's not the note i wanted to leave on

i've been realizing my divinity and potential
dreaming up goals again, delighting in details (i made it out of my post-trip depression quickly)
it seems that mostly, my life has this plethora of all things good.

oh heavens, i'm such a rambler.
maybe at some point i'll post another piece of polished writing :)
if i follow your blog, please know that i read nearly every post and learn so much through you. i love blogging, this network of shared thoughts, experiences, music, and art. thank you everybody :)

i like to ride my bicycle everywhere i go,
gas being unaffordable is actually a favor
so thank you, finances and economy.
i like to sit in antique stores for 2.5 hours
and try on feather hats from the 30's, hold cameras from the 20's, and pretend to smoke pipes from the 70's.
i like to walk all over this town in loose floral print dresses.
i like today

provo and st. george should merge into one glorious city.

post trip depression

similar to post christmas depression.
last night i sat on my bed feeling unmotivated and unenthused.
what am i looking forward to? nothing
nothing that i could think of put any spirit into my heart, color into my mind set.
the realization that i do not have much of a social life has been seeping in. i spent the last three weeks with very few moments of solitude. my life wasn't much different before the trip, but now i see how comfortable i was with solitude, and now after the trip, i feel emptiness. i like independence, i feel claustrophobic without that time with just myself. but where did i cross over into anti social, lonely, and incapable of socializing? worse, the thought of being with people is unappetizing, the thought of being alone is unappetizing.
i have a unshakable fear of obesity. i imagine every not obese person fears it, and every obese person hates it. the scale last night, did not lift my mood. at all. sad to admit. I would rather pretend to be completely careless on the subject. but the thought of inches between be and reality is repulsive, the thought of loosing mobility, strength, vigor, and health is depressing. last night fear was predominent, but this morning i feel different.
i changed my drive from fear to desire. i desire what i fear losing, but to raise the quality of my life i'll act out of a desire instead of a fear.
sleeping does wonders.
gratitude found its way back in, i went to europe.
i experienced the world rich with details
and i brought that significant, detail enriching quality of life back with me
like for breakfast i had blueberries with raw goat cheese
and lemon ginger tea with raw honey.
i found a humming bird in my car, a good omen hm?
i did yoga in a beautiful studio, (where i am now employed)
i'm about to plant a garden.
and thinking about it, my social life hasn't run as dry as it felt like last night. i know this nice boy. i have this wonderful family. i have dear, real friends, and a cell phone to minimize how far away they actually are. there's plenty of people in this city, and my acquaintances are cool ones. the friends i made on the trip don't just vanish because the trip is over, i made a step in the right direction.
"oh pickle! we're about to start gardening!" pickle is my name in the house i currently live in. and elijah is calling me, this post is unedited and ramble style. i'll post anyways, if i don't push the publish post button now i know i never will. blogging has been hard lately, possibly because i feel the need for perfection, but i need to say something. so here is me, last night and this morning, imperfect and learning