similar to post christmas depression.
last night i sat on my bed feeling unmotivated and unenthused.
what am i looking forward to? nothing
nothing that i could think of put any spirit into my heart, color into my mind set.
the realization that i do not have much of a social life has been seeping in. i spent the last three weeks with very few moments of solitude. my life wasn't much different before the trip, but now i see how comfortable i was with solitude, and now after the trip, i feel emptiness. i like independence, i feel claustrophobic without that time with just myself. but where did i cross over into anti social, lonely, and incapable of socializing? worse, the thought of being with people is unappetizing, the thought of being alone is unappetizing.
i have a unshakable fear of obesity. i imagine every not obese person fears it, and every obese person hates it. the scale last night, did not lift my mood. at all. sad to admit. I would rather pretend to be completely careless on the subject. but the thought of inches between be and reality is repulsive, the thought of loosing mobility, strength, vigor, and health is depressing. last night fear was predominent, but this morning i feel different.
i changed my drive from fear to desire. i desire what i fear losing, but to raise the quality of my life i'll act out of a desire instead of a fear.
sleeping does wonders.
gratitude found its way back in, i went to europe.
i experienced the world rich with details
and i brought that significant, detail enriching quality of life back with me
like for breakfast i had blueberries with raw goat cheese
and lemon ginger tea with raw honey.
i found a humming bird in my car, a good omen hm?
i did yoga in a beautiful studio, (where i am now employed)
i'm about to plant a garden.
and thinking about it, my social life hasn't run as dry as it felt like last night. i know this nice boy. i have this wonderful family. i have dear, real friends, and a cell phone to minimize how far away they actually are. there's plenty of people in this city, and my acquaintances are cool ones. the friends i made on the trip don't just vanish because the trip is over, i made a step in the right direction.
"oh pickle! we're about to start gardening!" pickle is my name in the house i currently live in. and elijah is calling me, this post is unedited and ramble style. i'll post anyways, if i don't push the publish post button now i know i never will. blogging has been hard lately, possibly because i feel the need for perfection, but i need to say something. so here is me, last night and this morning, imperfect and learning
last night i sat on my bed feeling unmotivated and unenthused.
what am i looking forward to? nothing
nothing that i could think of put any spirit into my heart, color into my mind set.
the realization that i do not have much of a social life has been seeping in. i spent the last three weeks with very few moments of solitude. my life wasn't much different before the trip, but now i see how comfortable i was with solitude, and now after the trip, i feel emptiness. i like independence, i feel claustrophobic without that time with just myself. but where did i cross over into anti social, lonely, and incapable of socializing? worse, the thought of being with people is unappetizing, the thought of being alone is unappetizing.
i have a unshakable fear of obesity. i imagine every not obese person fears it, and every obese person hates it. the scale last night, did not lift my mood. at all. sad to admit. I would rather pretend to be completely careless on the subject. but the thought of inches between be and reality is repulsive, the thought of loosing mobility, strength, vigor, and health is depressing. last night fear was predominent, but this morning i feel different.
i changed my drive from fear to desire. i desire what i fear losing, but to raise the quality of my life i'll act out of a desire instead of a fear.
sleeping does wonders.
gratitude found its way back in, i went to europe.
i experienced the world rich with details
and i brought that significant, detail enriching quality of life back with me
like for breakfast i had blueberries with raw goat cheese
and lemon ginger tea with raw honey.
i found a humming bird in my car, a good omen hm?
i did yoga in a beautiful studio, (where i am now employed)
i'm about to plant a garden.
and thinking about it, my social life hasn't run as dry as it felt like last night. i know this nice boy. i have this wonderful family. i have dear, real friends, and a cell phone to minimize how far away they actually are. there's plenty of people in this city, and my acquaintances are cool ones. the friends i made on the trip don't just vanish because the trip is over, i made a step in the right direction.
"oh pickle! we're about to start gardening!" pickle is my name in the house i currently live in. and elijah is calling me, this post is unedited and ramble style. i'll post anyways, if i don't push the publish post button now i know i never will. blogging has been hard lately, possibly because i feel the need for perfection, but i need to say something. so here is me, last night and this morning, imperfect and learning
1 comments:
not too shabby.
not too shabby...
I like your style girl.
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