last night i did manage to fall asleep. and i found myself wandering around in a field of wild flowers. a place with a very specific memory for me. i sat down picturing him perfectly and reliving it a few times till the sound of bees grew and grew till i couldn't think but only feel feel fear and overwhelmed all the pictures of things going wrong start to flash simultaneously i laid down paralyzed with all the weight of my heart breaking again and again as bees swarmed eating me alive.
and this morning i'm feeling chipper
i just tend to avoid sleeping
as to not let once was and now isn't
come through the walls i've built
and leave me broken
i'd like to let go.
dear future husband,
be warned-
i am unreasonably loyal
and please plan on calling me darling
every so often.
love,
sarah
delight in being delighted.
even if you're getting delighted by your own face on the webcam at 2:23 a.m.
a shy person.
to turn inward
to direct (the mind, one's interest, etc.) partly to things within the self.
if i could change one thing about myself.
that might be it.
the odd part is i can.
and with some people i do.
but as my smart sister aurie said just last night
the biggest difference between an introvert and an extrovert
is that one derives energy from being alone and then spends it being social
and the other one derives energy from being social.
i must be 60/40
i fit the introverted ticket in oh so many ways
but i can get so
very lonely
when i leave myself alone to long.
i want to the the extractor of the introverted.
because i love when people can pull me
out of myself.
why not do that for others
and just forget about this whole
how shy I've been my entire life
thing.
maybe in the extracting of the introverted i'll extrovert myself.
12.21.2010
Perhaps when I see a certain person tomorrow they’ll ask what I did tonight
And then perhaps I will say
Well did some grocery shopping with my sister becky,
Then went to a mall where I got talked into sitting on santa clauses lap so they could catch a picture.
I said
sorry if I’m too big santa
and he said
dear- I’ve had meals bigger than you.
I then went to yoga
and really liked when all my weight was on my hands instead of my feet.
yoga was then proceeded by meditation.
The candle was nice but the lady that was not tarah didn't take my meditation to quite the same place.
I then showed my best friend cola the songs I know on the guitar, which aren't many but are soon to be more
cola and i talked and talked the way we do she always gets me laughing. my sister jenna then reminded us that we were in charge of 12 days of Christmas. we went on our merry way to our neighborhood grocer and bought
8 cups of eggnog on the eighth day of Christmas to give to a dear friend.
And then left that eggnog on a lady I’ve never met’s door step.
Drove home on the icy slippery snowy roads
Hugged my cola goodbye
watched the rather funny ending of A Christmas Story
And sat and edited pictures, blog stalked, and wrote blog posts. Including this one.
but i know i wouldn't really say all that.
it would come out sounding much more like "oh.. not much. you?"
oh the things that go on in this head of mine.
look at this spiffy cup of hot coco i drew on my hand
for those who have seen this movie
just re-enjoy
for those who haven't
Maurice (old servant guy) got sold to pay off the evil step-mothers debt.
and the rest of the servants luckily came upon enough money to buy him back before he was shipped to the Americas
and this is him getting reunited with his wife. just notice how they run to each other :)
watch from about 3:15 to 4:30
ah. so sweet. i hope you cried
marriage is something, that for me, has been questioned a lot. attacked even. why get married? what's the point? it's just a piece of paper. what is the benefit of being with one person your whole life? isn't that kind of closed minded?
i find myself scrambling to defend it.
the right words don't come and then i find my values getting turned on their head.
to quote c.s. lewis on it (cause he could find the right words, and even if i could find the right words he can say it much better than i)
"The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ’s words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism—for that is what the words “one flesh” would be in modern English. And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact—just as one is stating a fact when one says that a lock and its key are one mechanism, or that a violin and a bow are one musical instrument. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that its two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined.…
The idea that 'being in love' is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. The Christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion's own nature:it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as i live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that i can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry. But what, it may be asked, is the use of keeping two people together if they are no longer in love? There are several sound, social reasons; to provide a home for their children, to protect the woman (who has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married) from being dropped whenever the man is tired of her. But there is also another reason of which I am very sure, though i find it a little hard to explain...
What we call 'being in love' is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us, It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, 'the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs'.
Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity... Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it." -all quotes from Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
and another thing i'll add from my own experience, is that people change. i will not be the same person in a year, and i'm far from who i was a year ago. when you marry someone, you can't control who they'll be in ten years. it's a very good thing. when you're forty would you want your spouse only as mature as they were in their twenties? But what's going to keep the two of you from becoming completely incompatible? i want somebody rolling in the same direction as i, with the same goals, working towards the same things. somebody who will hold true to the same values as me. i think that's why so many examples of marriage in my life- my parents, my grandparents, my siblings marriages, bro T and is his wife, Caru Das Adikari and his wife (owners of the hare krishna temple)- are so magical because they all have a religion that they hold very true to, so as they change and grow they change and grow together. and i think that's why my last relationship fell apart, we don't have the same values. so time created a big gap in our belief systems, even if they were once aligned.
religion or no religion, good people with like-values can have the most building, long lasting, love filled marriages. they can be a witness to each others lives. (to read my witness post click here)
a marriage- a life with one love, is so rewarding.
then you add to the equation an eternal marriage, that the temple promises
where you can go on after this life to create worlds with each other, and live in the celestial kingdom with god.
and those questions some people fog you with
why get married? what's the point? it's just a piece of paper. what is the benefit of being with one person your whole life? isn't that kind of closed minded?
dear future husband, today i felt the spirit. today i cried. today i sang. today i laughed. today i learned. i don't know you yet, but you get me through some days. the dream of you keeps me moving forward. instead of falling back. on him. i'm becoming a better person, with you in mind. love, sarah.
The little cares that fretted me
I lost them yesterday
Among the fields
above the sea
among the winds at play
among the lowing of the herds
the rustling of the trees
among the singing of the birds
the humming of the bees
The foolish fears of what might happen
I cast them all away
Among the clover-scented grass
among the new-mown hay
among the husking of the corn
where drowsy poppies nod
Where ill thoughts die and good are born-
out in the fields with God
-anonymous
once i was visiting
here
and i found a little wooded trail
that led to
here
and my heart skipped.
i sat and cried. for all the reasons that poem says. the wind the waves the warmth of sunshine on my skin the beauty in the world is a manifestation of god.
when you buy glow braclets/sticks at Days
wanna know what shows up on the receipt?
FANTASY GLOW BRA
hahaha.
"hey dad, look what i bought yesterday"
you shoulda seen his face
This is my face
Covered in freckles
With the occasional spot
And some veins
This is my body
Covered in skin
And not all of it
You can see
And, this, is my mind
It goes over and over
The same old lines
And, this, is my brain
It's torturous analytical thoughts
Make me go insane
All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep
Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something
