it is decided.

here i come southern utah :):)

leaving in January.

if you like me, let's play before i go :) 

i experienced one of the most powerful yoga sessions tonight.
i felt life going through me like waves in my breath
my personal practice keeps growing with consistency
and i felt this emotional release in my practice
i surrendered control
let go
and even cried as i flowed through the movement.
tarah is an inspiring teacher
she brings the inspiration of her personal practice to the classroom
and then i think that leads each individual in the classroom to listen to their inner real self
and feel enlightened.
when i was laying in savasana she read this:

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
book 2- Sadhana Pada.
sutra 42
As a result of contentment, one gains supreme joy. Here we should understand the difference between contentment and satisfaction. Contentment means just to be as we are without going to outside things for our happiness. If something comes, we let it come. If not, it doesn't matter.

that hit home for me
i let go of the agenda i complicate my life with
and let things be.
let go of the control i never really had
faced my honest reality.
i love myself
i don't regret my choices
but i'm open to grow
accept the inevitable change.

after class 
when i asked tarah for the page #
she said she had just opted for inspiration and let the book fall open
and that she didn't know it
but it must have happened just for me. 

yoga is changing the way i connect with the world and myself.

the way i feel inside.

went on a stroll in my ruby red shoes

and took some autumn photos

Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.

-Albert Camus

just found these pictures from last year.

mike and i are the king and queen of Halloween pumpkin creations.
as sweet as that memory is
seeing it made that weight fall around my heart making it hard to breath
with how much i miss him.

sometimes i'm lonely in a way that no one can pacify.
except perhaps, myself.


(this is the sort of picture i'd like to be taking)

hi
blog
i owe you an
apology
i have been a cautious
writer
scared of what others will
think
which translates to the not real
me
when you scroll through the words on this
page
maybe my own true
thoughts
but not said with my authentic
voice.

what is
real
to me right now:

trying to embrace the giant question mark that is my future
trying to figure out what to chase
what adventures to embark on
and trying to do all that with hope and excitement and not
fear.
because
fear
should not be my motivation.
why are you living
the way you do?
what motives are behind your
actions?

:)
p.s. i'm really happy about this little yoga internship thing.

selfish = unhappy

selfless = happy

goal: yoga 6 times a week.
status: in effect
result: happy.

new philosophy piece:
sitting in happy hour today Tara enlightened me

"nowhere to go
nothing to do
no one to be
this moment is yours"

that moment was mine.
my moment for breathing and living in that present simple existence.
where all i had to do was sink into my yoga mat
the rest of the day i had to be thinking 5 steps ahead of what i was actually doing and rush rush rush.
oh friday nights at zupas.. shoot me. 
but that moment of mine
made this day

recent moment:
5:30 short primary series
i went in thinking how i need to push myself
get skinnier prettier
more in shape. (whatever that means.. really)
Petty things.
once i started moving
expectations fell away.
i accepted myself where i was.
the movement didn't matter
the breath did
how i looked didn't matter
how i felt did
i got lost in moving intuitively.

everyone, try yoga.

i had a terrible nightmare just now.
the kind i can't wake up from
because it made me face a reality.

i hope i get what i want.

anyone can feel like a superstar in these boots.

superstar

[soo-per-stahr]-noun1. one who is unique and beautiful both inside and out; a bright-shining and/or lovely thing to behold.

2. one who if often imitated, but never duplicated.
3. To have as much swagger as humanly possible


thank you urban dictionary.
good purchase?

Fallout

141
is the hour glass broken?
frantic turning
time going to quick
it was lulling just a few hours back
142
please give me a break.
please just stop.
i need the universal remote
pause button please?
143
what will happen?
suspense.
i want...
"borders book store is now closed, please bring your final selections up to the register."
game over.
pg. 144. remember that for next time

i need to give myself a book allowance or find a library without such a long waiting list.
side note-
when the album playing over the speakers at the book store coincides with my mood, i feel all is right with the universe.

some more recent sunshine=
people 
and paychecks.
but mostly the people in my life.
my family somewhat reminds me of the family on my big fat greek wedding, but in the best way possible.
i just sit in the chaos of crowleys and smile.
i love my cousins, it's really unfathomable how i got so many girl cousins my age that turned into the best of my friends.
my coworkers make work so enjoyable. it is the nicest drama-free-fun-tease-each-other-work-place around.
the other night my boss put a receipt around me miss america style and deemed me the queen of zupas. work's fun :)  
i'm so happy i have friends that get me being me
and having fun.
one in particular sends the best text messages that make me smile.
ah.. i just love people for the most part.

a change i want to make-
i find that i think about doing things more than i actually end up doing them.
i'm going to be more of a doer.
just act.
i want to be me.

om shanti retreat

some sunshine=

i'll be staying here friday saturday and sunday. 

hanging with peacocks, llamas, parrots, holy cows..

and who knows who else signs up for this sort or retreat..

but i'm excited to meet them. 

i'll be doing yoga

lots of yoga..

meditating

hiking.. eating vegetarian buffet.

having a good relaxing time.

i wonder where i'll get to sleep in this lovely palace..

oh boy oh boy!

keys

some sunshine=
"i miss you"
"i miss you too sarah"
":) goodnight"
"goodnight"

i found the courage to not hide my feelings for a moment today.
being vulnerable is what i fear most. 

sometimes letting go is the key that gets you places anyhow. 

pages

things are always okay.
even when days are dragging
sunshine shines again.

to create more optimism in my life I've decided to blog about just that. 
my recent sunshine for the next few posts.  

my recent sunshine=

reading

borders.. for hours. whenever i can steal the time.
ellen hopkins, oh yes.
and my sister is a wonderful writer, got lost in her world today.
books give me so much food for the thought.

"Forever has no meaning when you're living in the moment. 
I wasn't ready for that moment to end."



"Grandma once told me it's easy to overthink love, to dissect it and question it until it is no more."


"Smile. Nod. Say
something witty
before he finds
out what an incredible
geek you are."


"Memory is a tenuous thing, like a rainbow's end or a camera with a failing lens."


"Some people
Never find the right kind of love
you know, the kind that steals
your breath away.
Like diving into a snowmelt.
The kind that jolts your heart,
sets it beating apace.
An anxious hiccuping of hummingbirds wings.
The kind that makes every terrible minute apart feel like hours.
Days.
Years.
Some people flit from one insane possibility to the next.
Never experincing the connection of two people.
rocked by destiny.
Never knowing what it means to love someone else,
more than themselves.
More than life itself, or the promise of something better.
Beyond this world,
More even (forgive me!) than god.
Lucky me, I found the right kind of love.
With the wrong person." 



"So you try to think of someone else you're mad at, and the unavoidable answer pops into your little warped brain: everyone." 



"Funny thing, your brain,
how it always functions on one
level or another. How, even stuck in
some sort of subconcious limbo, it works
your lungs, your muscle twitches, your heart,
in fact, in symphony with your heart, allowing it
to feel love. Pain. Jealousy. Guilt. I wonder if it’s the
same for people, lost in comas. Is there really such a thing"
"Your life doesn't belong to you, it belongs to the people that love you"


"Some days I think
I'm losing my mind.
What seems so
clear
most of the time
becomes a big question mark.
Am I really
the way
I percieve myself, or
is the person others see
the truth of me? I wait
for
answers, but inside
I know I have to go out
and find them. And
answers
like knowledge, are
not always where we 
first look for them." 


"Torch every book.
Burn every page.
Char every word to ash.
Ideas are incombustible.
And therein lies your real fear." 


"Life is all about change. If it were static, think about how boring it would be. You can't be afraid of it, and you can't worry that you'll mess things up. You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them." 


-all quotes by the wonderful Ellen Hopkins. 


i could move into a library and give myself a greater education than any college could give me. traveling the world would give me such an education as well.
would you rather get lost in book after book, travel the world and live a life full of riveting experiences or get a degree?
hmm.. maybe there's room for both.
college has sounded strangely appealing lately.