i'd like to make the stars in the sky brighter 
i'd like to make hope grow stronger
i'd like to spread some happiness
and in turn,
i'd like to get a smile on my face
a glimmer of hope in my soul
and a day to look forward to.

i'm really emotional lately.. not a wonderful thing to confess. my fam might think i'm a lunatic
but it is what it is.
and
this just made me cry.

i had this on my photoblog titled Soldiers Love
and

Mohsen from Tehran, Iran  

said

Realy beautifull and effective,hope for peace :)

today i got filled to the brim with excitement.

change your perspective on what you can be doing with your life and it changes everything.

i don't have to be doing what i don't like to be doing.

i think i should be doing what i truly want to be doing.
not the
want = instant gratification want
but
want = this will bring me closer to who i want to be and where i want to be want.
which is, i think, better motivation.
mindful, conscious living.

My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.

-joe versus the volcano

i like him.

a lot.

I got a perfect body
But sometimes I forget
I got a perfect body
Cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
-regina spektor

today i was noticing how superbly functional my body is.

i received a letter from myself in the mail a little while back, i might have mentioned this before..
but it was from the me over a year ago sitting in the trees at girls camp
and i have come a very long way
 in how i look at myself and my body.
a very very long way.
i was very harsh, insecure, and just in a bad frame of mind.
it would have been painful reading it if i couldn't find the joy in seeing just how far I've come.

tonight included a
 delicious yoga session
 meditation

 putting both hands on my heart with my eyes closed, thought floating away, just hearing, feeling, and experiencing that 

thump thump thump 

of my own heart.

 feeling tears of gratitude roll down my cheeks
 chanting
 a candle mantra
 being surrounded by the darkness and loud loud crickets
 and a delectably healthy meal

brown rice topped with zucchini, tomato, sprouts, and some olive oil
i have an out of control healthy food FETISH
while i was serving myself up i had this little conversation with myself
"some more?" "yes."  "okay dearest"
to be completely honest
which i will be
that would have never happened in this head of mine a year ago.
unheard of really.
so thank you yoga
thank you people who have loved me
thank you every person moment and experience that helped me find my inner beauty
and thank you body

congratulations self

 
read.

things end.
things start
and i need to let go of tryin to control that

i feel very empty and lost
as well as full and hopeful.
how does that happen?
i don't know.
i have so many things i want in life
others don't know what they want
i know what i want
just not how exactly to get it
but i know what i need to work on
just takes patience
working one day at a time.
i didn't pay attention to church at all yesterday
i couldn't tell you anything about what was taught
but i made lists

a
who i want to be
list

and a
bucket list.

the who i want to be one is long and overwhelming.
but empowering.
i'd like to think i resemble at least some of those qualities already
i don't know though.

loving. serving. clever. pretty. debt free. adventurous. true. real. fearless. happy. independent. different. healthy. aware. sensitive. authentic. delighted. delightful. good at what i do. vegetarian. yoga instructor. photographer. the good sort of friend. outgoing. educated. experience everything i can. world traveler. spiritual. honest.
i'll stop there right now. i could go on a good long time.

bucket list?
i don't feel like sharing that just yet. maybe someday.

p.s. one of my favorite sensations is blasting the heater and rolling down the windows. a swirl of hot and cold. try it some time

witness

i'm a curious person.
i like reading other peoples blogs, lots of times it's people i don't know very well at all
and it's a little look into another persons world
it's delightful.
i hope people feel that little delight when they stumble across my world.

here's a quote from Shall We Dance

 "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

and it's not just in marriage.

it's in every relationship. we're all living individually and what makes anything matter is when we get witnessed or take the time to witness someone else. it's the connections we make.

in the movie Avatar there isn't any "i love you's" but the part that got me, is when in their very different bodies, they say "i see you"
we all want to be seen, heard, appreciated, witnessed. 

i think that's a big part of blogging.

we close each yoga session with everyone saying namaste and a slight bow with hands at heart center

to quote the yoga journal

"The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another"

a little i see you, a little witness, a little connection.

yoga makes my life more meaningful that way. 

today my eyes caught the sight of a pair of very blue eyes.
we both smiled timidly
kept walking
and 10 steps later turned around and i caught those eyes again
in that second glance.
it's a little tragedy that nothing will ever come from that,
it'll be stuck in my head for some time.
a chance encounter at the mall.
i got a look into his world today and he got a little look into mine, kind of like blogging.
just more raw.
that's been something that's been bugging me about communication lately.
it's so watered down and translucent with all the different means of communication.
there isn't anything like standing with a person, seeing them and really knowing them.
people hide behind facebook and texting.
people are less forward and less real.
that's what it seems to be to me anyways.
i like face time.

i didn't get james blunts you're beautiful till today.

i used to think that song was ridiculous

now i know i saw a person i might never see again

never get to know

and he might never think of me again

but i'm writing this about him.

we drive past 

walk past

 see past

so many people everyday.

meeting them is a wonderful wonder. 

i want to get out more, meet people more, do more, be more, experience more, see more, love more, feel more, learn more, live more, be more, everything more.

i had a moment that'll be in that flash back of my life i see before i die.
i hiked squaw peak with mr. chamberlain yesterday.
he really is something special.
we landed ourselves in fields of wild flowers, and tops of mountains and on the edges of cliffs.
he is one of my very best friends.

on top of squaw peak the world was quieter than i ever remember it being.
i got overwhelmed inside.
with love beauty joy and everything good.
the tops of mountains is a place to be.
to be beyond words
to be above everything

i'm addicted.

They will see us waving from such great heights

"Come down now," they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away

"Come down now," but we'll stay

i want to be a bear.

eat a lot

get absurdly fat

become unconscious all winter

and reunite with the world when the sun comes out next summer. 

rawr.

or more conceivable. 

(doesn't that word remind you of princess bride??)

become a bird.

and fly south for the winter.

 hmm.. :)

p.s. i got a cut on my hand, i'm peeling an orange.

and peeling this orange wasn't a smart idea. 

p.s.s. i am very proud of this bird picture. more proud of it than most pictures.