why i don't sleep much

last night i did manage to fall asleep.
and i found myself wandering around in a field of wild flowers.
a place with a very specific memory for me.
i sat down picturing him perfectly and reliving it a few times
till the sound of bees grew
and grew till i couldn't think but only feel
feel fear and overwhelmed
all the pictures of things going wrong start to flash simultaneously
i laid down paralyzed with all the weight of my heart breaking again and again
as bees swarmed 
eating me alive.

and this morning i'm feeling chipper

i just tend to avoid sleeping

as to not let once was and now isn't

come through the walls i've built

and leave me broken

i'd like to let go.

dear future husband,

be warned-

i am unreasonably loyal

and please plan on calling me darling

every so often. 

love,

 sarah